“Because when life gives you frozen tundra, you find a way to make it weird.” Good day, loyal subjects of the digital realm. It has been a truly remarkable week in His Majesty’s sprawling, aggressively polite dominion of Canada. While Prime Minister Mark Carney has been navigating trade headwinds with the Americans, the actual country has been left to its own glorious, chaotic devices. Pour yourself a double-double, watch out for erratic geese, and behold the most wonderfully absurd news out of Canada this week.

🔮 1. The CRA’s Guide to "Weird" Tax Claims

Tax season might be over, but Canadians are just now finding out what they actually could have claimed on their returns, thanks to an annual breakdown of the country's most unusual, yet entirely legal, deductions. For the recent filing season, the Canada Revenue Agency legitimately allowed deductions for psychic consultations and body glitter. The rule is simple: if it's "reasonable" and directly helps you earn income, the taxman accepts it. Somewhere out there, a professional entertainer is writing off a crystal ball and a tub of sparkles, and honestly, good for them.

⚽ 2. The Toronto Goldfish Oracle

Forget AI or complex data models; Toronto has found a much more reliable way to predict the outcome of all 104 FIFA World Cup matches: a "goldfish oracle." A local pet has officially been tasked with swimming toward miniature flags to forecast who will win each soccer match. Given that the fish is currently carrying a better predictive track record than most sports analysts, expect ESPN to offer it a multi-million dollar contract by the end of the group stage.

✈️ 3. The Imposter Captain of Air Canada

In what is easily the most terrifyingly impressive resume-padding incident of the decade, a 59-year-old Ontario man was recently charged with fraud and forgery after it was discovered he flew tens of thousands of unsuspecting passengers for years—including a promotion to Captain—using completely forged pilot credentials. He managed to deceive both Air Canada and Transport Canada long enough to safely retire last year. While the security breach is a total nightmare, you almost have to admire the raw commitment to fake-it-til-you-make-it.

🗳️ 4. Canada Outlaws "Deepfake Carney"

Ottawa officially gave royal assent to the Strong and Free Elections Act, which formally makes it illegal to create or distribute high-tech AI deepfakes of political figures. The legislation was fast-tracked after Facebook was absolutely overrun with bizarre deepfakes of Prime Minister Mark Carney doing everything from shilling cryptocurrency to aggressively demanding a total nationwide ban on cars. Thankfully, the bill carves out an explicit exception for parody and satire—meaning we can still mock our leaders, we just have to use our own mediocre voice impressions to do it.

🚤 5. Extravagantly Foolish Wake-Jumping

Out on the West Coast, a boat operator in British Columbia achieved internet infamy after filming themselves using a massive, slow-moving BC Ferry as a personal ramp, intentionally launching their speedboat into the ferry's giant wake. Authorities called the stunt "extraordinarily foolish" and dangerous. Local residents, meanwhile, were mostly just annoyed that a guy from Alberta managed to find a brand-new way to hold up maritime traffic.

The Weekly Verdict: Canada remains a magical place where you can write off your psychic advisor, trust a goldfish with your sports betting, and fly a commercial airliner for a decade on a vibe and a prayer. Stay safe out there, and watch the skies—you never know who is actually flying the plane.